Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Adventures in Sleep Deprivation

This lesson is for those who have completed course level 101 (the 7th month and onwards of pregnancy), level 201 (dealing with an infant or house training a puppy), and level 302 (living next to a construction site). Attempts to complete this level of sleep dep without completing the prerequisites may result in a nervous breakdown.

Step 1: Instigate minor but painful back problem.

Step 2: Work full day on feet, thus aggravating said back problem.

Step 3: Convince non-napping preschooler to go to bed half an hour early. Child is exhausted and falls asleep before stories are finished being read.

Step 4: At 11pm, have full-blown panic attack for no apparent reason.

Step 5: At midnight, calm down and go to sleep. Just before dropping off, have said child wake up and need an Edwin story before she can go back to sleep. (Edwin is my child's imaginary best friend. Edwin is an alligator. Edwin is NOT a crocodile.) Tell Edwin story (Edwin goes on a hot air balloon adventure) because saying no would take more time and result in crying.

Step 6: Go to blissful sleep at 12.30am.

Step 7: At 1:15am, wake to horrible screams from said child. Husband blessedly says that he will deal with it. Go back to sleep. Wake up 5 minutes later realizing that child is still screaming hysterically. Get up.

Step 8: Child is having night terrors and cannot stop screaming (and you can't exactly slap 'em in the face like they do in the movies). Child is responsive, but not really awake. Get child calmed down enough to breathe normally. Rejoice that child did not throw up because for a while it looked close. Rock with child for a while and then convince child to go to bed. The process takes over an hour before resulting in sleep rather than more crying.

Step 9: Drag sorry self back to bed and sleep like the proverbial dead until 6am when evil, evil child comes in and brightly announces that she is a big girl because she slept all night! Realize that child has no memory at all of 1am festival of horrors.

Step 10: COFFEE is my friend.