I've been a bad, bad girl...

There is nothing like a bit of self-indulgent wallowing to make one get over oneself.

The sun is out and it's a beautiful day and life is mighty fine.

The delivery of my April shipment of the Rockin' Sock Club didn't hurt.












And a little retail therapy never hurt anything either! I have been coveting a pair of gorgeous orange peep toe pumps at J. Crew for several months now. But they were a bit pricey for what was a complete indulgence. Nevertheless, I wandering in to see if perhaps I would get lucky and they would be on sale. On sale for half off. Score!

But it gets better. Much better.

Everything in the store that is on sale is an additional 50% off. Double Score!!!!!

But they don't have my size in orange. Sadness!

But they order them for me over the phone and, although the web and catalog price isn't on sale yet, I get my sale upon sale price!


I decided that I'd get the brown ones as well. And then I started thinking about it and realized that a cream pair would come in handy. (At this point, the three pair of shoes have cost me less that one pair full price.) I've bought one pair of heels since Bean was born. I have lots of thong sandals, but no heels. And they are such sexy heels. Not to mention insanely comfortable - always hard to find in a heel.

Then I decided to check out Crewcuts (J Crew for the small set) and they had the same 50% of anything on sale deal going on. Who can resist little navy chinos embroidered all over with strawberries for $10? Not me.

I told my husband that, when you think about it, I had really bought the heels for him, not me. Because he never gets to see me in heels. So, it's a treat! (Ahem)

Only One

I hate it when people ask if Bean has any siblings and say "Only one?", "Aren't you going to give her a brother or a sister?"

As if I can go to Toys R Us and get her a sibling for Christmas.

I would have loved to have more children. She's the result of my third pregnancy. The first time I became pregnant, I was 35. I had Bean two months shy of my 38th birthday. I had every minor malady you can have while pregnant: the itchy rashes, the heartburn and acid reflux, sciatica, and the wonderful "morning" sickness every single day of my pregnancy (seriously, I got up for my c-section - she was sideways - and, because it was 6.30am, I had to throw up).

I had her and nursed for a year and then went into a terrible bout of postpartum depression and anxiety after she stopped nursing.

Then I started menopause. At 39. Which really helps even out that emotional roller coaster. Ahem.

Bean didn't really sleep through the night until she was almost three. And believe me we tried everything. Well, we didn't drug her, but man I was tempted a few times. Once she could really express herself verbally, the nighttime waking stopped.

I think my body wouldn't get pregnant again, because I would have gone off the deep end.

Now, at almost 43, I see her going off to kindergarten this fall and I'm terribly lonely and feel as if I should have tried harder to have another child. I see how wonderful she is with the siblings of her friends and feel as if I have somehow deprived her. I feel as if somehow I have failed.

And it pisses me off that people glibly suggest adoption. Yes, I could adopt. But that's hardly an easy solution. I have friends who have been trying to adopt for years and it's incredibly difficult, not to mention financially burdensome. At this point I am 43 and I don't really want to start over. I have to have faith that things worked out this way for a reason.

I know I'm lucky to have her.

God gave me a wonderful family.

My husband is an only child and can't fathom why I get upset. It never bothered him at all.

But sometimes it is so hard and it hurts so much.

ETA: Well, Bean managed to help me get out of my self-indulgent funk. She just had a meltdownscreamingconniptionfit of epic proportions, including hitting and kicking. She's fine now, but it certainly made me appreciate some of the finer points of one ;>

Y'all are too smart for me

Can't fool a fooler!

My all-time favorite April Fool's joke was when I was getting my MBA. We all read the Wall Street Journal most days, and there was this huge full-page add that Taco Bell had taken out, announcing that they had bought the Liberty Bell, which would henceforth be known as the Taco Liberty Bell. Now, for a bunch of people who were alot smarter than me, they weren't that swift on the uptake. I looked at the ad and the commotion and remarked, "Check the date on the paper."

"Yeah, April first, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Um, April Fool's Day?"

Half the class was convinced that it was still true and the date was a coincidence. There was a huge, national outrage and the best part was that when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked to comment, he told the reporter that the Lincoln Memorial had been bought by Ford and would now be the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Best joke of all time.

No More Knitting

I've decided to stop knitting.

Stash sale tomorrow.