Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Only One

I hate it when people ask if Bean has any siblings and say "Only one?", "Aren't you going to give her a brother or a sister?"

As if I can go to Toys R Us and get her a sibling for Christmas.

I would have loved to have more children. She's the result of my third pregnancy. The first time I became pregnant, I was 35. I had Bean two months shy of my 38th birthday. I had every minor malady you can have while pregnant: the itchy rashes, the heartburn and acid reflux, sciatica, and the wonderful "morning" sickness every single day of my pregnancy (seriously, I got up for my c-section - she was sideways - and, because it was 6.30am, I had to throw up).

I had her and nursed for a year and then went into a terrible bout of postpartum depression and anxiety after she stopped nursing.

Then I started menopause. At 39. Which really helps even out that emotional roller coaster. Ahem.

Bean didn't really sleep through the night until she was almost three. And believe me we tried everything. Well, we didn't drug her, but man I was tempted a few times. Once she could really express herself verbally, the nighttime waking stopped.

I think my body wouldn't get pregnant again, because I would have gone off the deep end.

Now, at almost 43, I see her going off to kindergarten this fall and I'm terribly lonely and feel as if I should have tried harder to have another child. I see how wonderful she is with the siblings of her friends and feel as if I have somehow deprived her. I feel as if somehow I have failed.

And it pisses me off that people glibly suggest adoption. Yes, I could adopt. But that's hardly an easy solution. I have friends who have been trying to adopt for years and it's incredibly difficult, not to mention financially burdensome. At this point I am 43 and I don't really want to start over. I have to have faith that things worked out this way for a reason.

I know I'm lucky to have her.

God gave me a wonderful family.

My husband is an only child and can't fathom why I get upset. It never bothered him at all.

But sometimes it is so hard and it hurts so much.

ETA: Well, Bean managed to help me get out of my self-indulgent funk. She just had a meltdownscreamingconniptionfit of epic proportions, including hitting and kicking. She's fine now, but it certainly made me appreciate some of the finer points of one ;>